Saturday, August 11, 2012

Draft version fanfic - The Legends of the "Les Enfants Terribles"

This is a fanfic of the Pirate of the Caribbean, everything in this fanfic is not owned by me.
I wrote the story bases on after the event of PoC: On Stranger Tides.

The Legends of the "Les Enfants Terribles"


Chapter 1: Good Old Rival.

On the port city of Tortuga, prostitutes and all kinds of criminals dangling on every corner of the streets, fighting and killing happened in this city as a initial things of life. Somewhere hidden in this corrupt city, a one of a kind bar, which is excluded from all sins happening around Tortuga, silently and peacefully existed. The bar operates as every bar should be in those civilized societies, people drinking and chatting as utmost normal as it can be, which seems incredibly strange in this kind of city. In the deepest corner of this mysterious bar, two man are whispering.
_ "Why are we here, Jack? There are many places I'd rather be than this stupid kind of place ... er .. what was it called .. somewhat "Le Fanatics" aye?" - the man with thick beard said.
_ "Le Fanatre Soleil". - the bandanna-headed man with a long curly tied hair added.
_ "Aye, that's the name! What was this idiotic name?! And why are we speaking with this whispering manner? We are in a BAR for Pete's sake!" - the bearded-man grumbling.
_ "Gibbs, if ye wouldn't shut the trap of ye off, I will do it for ye. Savvy?" - the bandanna-headed man whispering.
_ "Aye ... "- Gibbs frustrated answer.
Jack rolling his black rimmed eyes around the bar, looks carefully in every corner of it, cautiously and slowly.
_ "Does it bother you why is this bar, weird-manner sickening bar it is, was so quietly and obedience as it is in this "can't-anymore-chaos" Tortuga?" - Jack asks Gibbs while his eyes still rolling with utmost caution.
_ "Aye, no frickin' idea." - Gibbs said.
_ "Do you know who is running this boring pile of rums?" - Jack continuously asks
_ "Aye, nope. That is the question I would love to be answer by you, Jack." - Gibbs sighed
_ "Tell me, Gibbs. Who do you think I, the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl-"
_ "-former Captain! Consider the ship has been shrunk into a bottled-ship"- Gibbs cut in.
_ "...CAPTAIN of the Black Pearl!" - Jack stressed - "And I will regain the Pearl as it usual form, that, I guarantee to you, Mr.Gibbs! Savvy?"
_ "Aye ..." - Gibbs nodding his head frustratingly while still looking down the table.
_ "Well, back to the question, who do you think I fear the most? Barbossa or Davy Jones?" - Jack asks with a little shivering voice.
_ "Aye, I would bet it on the old Davy Jones. You died by his little tentacles pet." - Gibbs squinting.
_ "Oi, no, me hearty. I would rather don't meet him, not fear him, savvy?" - Jack grinds.
_ "Blimey! If you not even fear Davy Jones, I don't think you would fear anything else" - Gibbs surprised.
_ "Aye, I take that as a compliment. Well, there is, indeed, someone I am fear of, someone I couldn't outsmart that matey. Savvy? I am not fear of people who I can outsmart, cheating them, but those who I can't, Savvy?" - Jack said with his unintentionally waving fingers.
_ "Aye" - Gibbs said.
_ "The mate who is running this place, his name is Luz, he's my oldest mate, as well as my greatest nemesis. I respected him, I feared him. Savvy?" - Jack said with his shivering voice.
_ "Aye, in that case, then I understand why is this bar is like this, eh?" - Gibbs said.
_ "Aye, there are not only me afraid of that man. The people here as well, in this VERY alike pit hole Tortuga, don't DARE crossed him" - Jack continue.
_ "Why do I got the feeling that I'm gonna be drag into messing with this dangerous folk VERY soon? By you, Jack Sparrow, of course! Even BETTER, we already aware of what is this FRIENDLY folk capable of!" - Gibbs says with utmost awareness - "Your skull cracked, you know that Jack?! But that is what I like about you, aye!" - Gibbs added.
_ "..... You probably might want to change your feeling after this." - Jack said with a guilty glance while anxiously biting his fingers nails.
_ "The boss is expecting you, Mr.Jack Sparrow and Mr ... ?" - Suddenly, the conversation being cut by the present of a tall muscular man dressed in decent clothes and politely manner.
_ "CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, if you won't mind, lad." - Jack awkwardly corrected the man.
_ ".... Cor blimey! You knew about this Jack?! Not again!" - Surprised Gibbs shouted, narrower his eyes.
Jack folded his hand while saying "I'm sorry" in his mouth but the words did not break into sound, like he is swallowing his own guilty words.
_ "Mr. Jack and Mr. Cor Blimey, please, this way." - The man steps aside and show them a way into the black wooden door behind the counter of the bar, Gibbs does not forget to notice the barkeeper is standing there, looking at them with an evil grind.
_ "It's Gibbs ... Argh, whatever, I hope you know what you are doing Jack!" - Gibbs grumbling angrily.
_ "In fact, I don't, love." - Jack said, try to swallow in his stacking throat.
Jack and Gibbs follow the big man passing the door behind the counter, walk through a long, dark and hideous hallway. After they passed a couple of doors, the washed light starting get brighter up, as they walking toward the door at the end of the hallway. When they get to the end of the hall, the big man open the door and invites the two of them in. As they walk in, those fire bundles running along the hallway wall light up, flickering rapidly. A young man walks out from the shadow of the dark, he has a long dark hair, stumbled covered his face, and a deep brown eyes. He wears a light white shirt with long sleeve, brown leather long pant, a small red cloth wrapping around his wrist.
_ "If isn't infamous good-old Jack Sparrow and his hearty, eh." - The young man said with a deep voice - "Well well, I will give you 3 minutes to explain to me your true purpose here before I decide to give you and your mate a "Survival Try-out". And don't even count on your petty lies to save your skin, mate. I think you have already learned that lesson, in such a hard way as I recall." - the young man said with a calming voice as much as coldness - "Starting NOW." - The man stressed with his deeper voice.
_ "I want to join your crews" - Jack quickly said in such a eagerly manner as well.
_ "WHAT?!" - Gibbs could not believe what he has just heard, those he thought only merely words coming from Jack mouth.

END CHAPTER.

8 comments:

  1. Hi there,
    There is a good story here, a lot of potential.
    With that in mind however, I could not lose myself in it and kept needing to jump back. This is simply due to the use of the wrong words.
    "Every bars" should be "every bar" or "all bars".
    "Every sins" should be "every sin" or "all sins".
    "many places I rather be" should be "I'd rather be"
    There are a few others. However, your use of adjectives is excellent and very evocative. I could really hear Jack's voice with the line, "'CAPTAIN of the Black Pearl' Jack stressed".
    Your writing is very good, and you mustn't let a few wrong words hold you back, change them and it'll be much better.
    I look forward to reading more.
    =)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your time reading this fanfic Abigail :) I will fix these wrong words ASAP. And I really appreciated for your advice. I'm looking forward to read your fanfic too! Good luck!

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Despite the grammar mistakes, you've definitely got a feeling for writing. You definitely need to really check the grammar, that will improve it a lot. Otherwise the sweaty dense feeling of the bar is shown quite well. I don't think you really need to change your ideas and the way you describe the scene, it is a little tense to read but I'm not sure. It could just be subjective to want a bit of a break in the tension of the writing. And it is a pirate bar, so it probably does need some tension. Perhaps you could spend more time describing the look of the characters and their clothes, for example. Because a bar full of pirates and dodgy characters is quite heavy on imagery as a concept.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your time reading this fanfic, Andrew. I have considered your advice and asked Karen to do some spell checks and grammars to improve it. I have try to fix the fanfic to be better in the final. Have a look if you have time. Cheers.

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  4. HI LUKE. As stated above, despite the few grammer and spelling errors it was worth reading. It shows that you have actually studied and thought consideratly aboutwhat you are wanting to write. JOB WELL DONE. I look forward to your final!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your time Arapati. I have fixed those things you mentioned in the final version. Take a look if you have time. Cheers.

      Delete
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